My son had a friend over to play the other day. He was sweet and very polite, and quite enjoyable to have around. I got the opportunity to spend time with his mom today and told her as much. As I pondered his manners and sweet nature, and watched her parent, I was struck by something. She is a great role model so no wonder he's that way! I'm sure they have their moments, but overall, he seems like someone enjoyable to be around.
Parenting is the hardest thing I'll ever do. It has its highs, its lows, its joys, and its tedium. One of the hardest things about parenting is how we see ourselves reflected in our children. I don't just mean the brown eyes and hair, round face or square jaw. I mean those traits of ours that we really don't want shared with the general public, but somehow get mirrored in our children's behavior. In a perfect world, I would be patient and kind at all times with all people. I would use my manners every time and never snap at my children, or anyone for that matter.
Alas parents, myself included, are anything but perfect. And neither are my children. Of this I am highly aware. And that's as it should be. There are times, though, when I find myself wincing at something they've said, or the tone of voice they've used and wondered where it came from. The other day I asked them after such an incident. The response was brutally honest: "You do it, Mom." I was mortified. I think in many ways I was unaware of this behavior of mine, and so I apologized. I also told them that if, or more likely when, I did it again, I would really like them to point it out to me. (nicely, please. I can only take so much!) I also explained that what we all had done wasn't very nice, and that we could all work on it. At this point, it's what I can do about it; be more aware and try to lead by example. As a wise friend told me, we are ALL a work in progress. So while we are progressing, I'm trying to be more positive.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Summer: Fun??
So we've reached, or maybe passed, that midpoint of the summer. The trips are over, the baseball is over, now it's time to embrace the "lazy days" of summer. This is a tricky thing with 2 energetic children. My idea of lazy is sleeping in, reading, lingering over a cup of coffee, and then more reading. Ok, a few house chores maybe like laundry and emptying the dishwasher. But then it's back to reading or surfing the 'net.
My children have a similar idea which goes something like this: sleep in, watch tv, ask mom to make them some breakfast, watch more tv, play on the computer, ask mom to make them some lunch...well you get the idea. {Here is the disclaimer part: They normally watch very little tv, so it's a treat fo them. And yes, they do also read, one more willingly than the other } On some days when the weather isn't around 9,000 degrees, they will go outside. For awhile. Til they start to fight with each other. Then one comes in and starts to complain about the other. Is it time for school to start yet????
It's that ansty feeling of what to do, knowing full well there are plenty of things to do, just no motivation to do them. You know, organize the pantry, clean out those closets, that type of fun stuff. But really, with all this time we have, why do today what we can put off until tomorrow, right?
So what I've discovered these days is that it is better to have a plan for the day. Something for us all to look forward to. Somewhere either wet or air-conditioned for us to have fun. The free bowling has been a big hit and we have plans to visit a friend's pool tomorrow. So instead of thinking of all those things that need to get done (think closets) we need to think of all those things we want to do with the days of summer we have left. That way we can say we had lots of summer fun.
My children have a similar idea which goes something like this: sleep in, watch tv, ask mom to make them some breakfast, watch more tv, play on the computer, ask mom to make them some lunch...well you get the idea. {Here is the disclaimer part: They normally watch very little tv, so it's a treat fo them. And yes, they do also read, one more willingly than the other } On some days when the weather isn't around 9,000 degrees, they will go outside. For awhile. Til they start to fight with each other. Then one comes in and starts to complain about the other. Is it time for school to start yet????
It's that ansty feeling of what to do, knowing full well there are plenty of things to do, just no motivation to do them. You know, organize the pantry, clean out those closets, that type of fun stuff. But really, with all this time we have, why do today what we can put off until tomorrow, right?
So what I've discovered these days is that it is better to have a plan for the day. Something for us all to look forward to. Somewhere either wet or air-conditioned for us to have fun. The free bowling has been a big hit and we have plans to visit a friend's pool tomorrow. So instead of thinking of all those things that need to get done (think closets) we need to think of all those things we want to do with the days of summer we have left. That way we can say we had lots of summer fun.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Communication Skills 101
I don't claim to be an expert here, but I got to thinking about how to have a good conversation. Here are a few basic pointers if you are speaking and want others to listen.
1. Be in the same room and look them in the eye.
2. Use their name.
3. If you are answering a question, do it. Don't talk all around the issue, or try to be overly "clever" by using the same words that you've used and you still aren't being understood. Bottom line is that you still haven't answered the question.
4. Answer the question. Seems redundant, but it isn't. Perhaps you have no answer currently. The best response then would be something like: "Good question. I'd like to think about it" or "I've asked myself that same question". But then, please, after you've thought about it, answer the darn question!!
5. "I don't know" is not really an answer. Most times anyway.
This comes about because I've been in situations too often recently where a person can't seem to do any of these and I can't understand why. Not using any of the above ideas puts me on the defensive, which is not a good way to have a conversation, especially about important topics. And one last thing: just say what you mean to say.(Thank you , John Mayer) Sure you can put it nicely, but don't use the whole "I'm fine" nonsense when you are not. That's just not really even communicating.
1. Be in the same room and look them in the eye.
2. Use their name.
3. If you are answering a question, do it. Don't talk all around the issue, or try to be overly "clever" by using the same words that you've used and you still aren't being understood. Bottom line is that you still haven't answered the question.
4. Answer the question. Seems redundant, but it isn't. Perhaps you have no answer currently. The best response then would be something like: "Good question. I'd like to think about it" or "I've asked myself that same question". But then, please, after you've thought about it, answer the darn question!!
5. "I don't know" is not really an answer. Most times anyway.
This comes about because I've been in situations too often recently where a person can't seem to do any of these and I can't understand why. Not using any of the above ideas puts me on the defensive, which is not a good way to have a conversation, especially about important topics. And one last thing: just say what you mean to say.(Thank you , John Mayer) Sure you can put it nicely, but don't use the whole "I'm fine" nonsense when you are not. That's just not really even communicating.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Bits and Pieces
I had the opportunity to get together with friends yesterday. We talked about books and writing and books about writing. And then, our hostess brought out art supplies. You have to understand, just those words bring an immediate knot to my stomach. "Art" has never been my thing. But, with encouragement, I persevered.
My collage was a tribute to my girly-ness. Yes, I'm a fluffy girl surrounded by testosterone in my home. So in some ways I was staking my claim amidst the bats, balls, cleats, and various accouterments of the sporting world that have invaded my home.
Just as the parts of the collage, I also got to thinking about the bits and pieces that make up who we are. Some are more obvious than others: teacher, mother, wife. Others, perhaps, less so: poet, reader, artist, musician. Maybe it's part of being a woman, or for that matter, a human, that parts of ourselves get pushed into the shadows while we tend to the most pressing needs of ourselves and others. There comes a time though, when those bits and pieces in the shadows are asking, begging, screaming, to come into the light of day to share with others, or at least with ourselves. So we need to be true to that, to ourselves, and hear, really listen, to what they are telling us. Stop asking for permission and then, go for it.
I'm already envisioning my next collage. More bits and pieces of me....
My collage was a tribute to my girly-ness. Yes, I'm a fluffy girl surrounded by testosterone in my home. So in some ways I was staking my claim amidst the bats, balls, cleats, and various accouterments of the sporting world that have invaded my home.
Just as the parts of the collage, I also got to thinking about the bits and pieces that make up who we are. Some are more obvious than others: teacher, mother, wife. Others, perhaps, less so: poet, reader, artist, musician. Maybe it's part of being a woman, or for that matter, a human, that parts of ourselves get pushed into the shadows while we tend to the most pressing needs of ourselves and others. There comes a time though, when those bits and pieces in the shadows are asking, begging, screaming, to come into the light of day to share with others, or at least with ourselves. So we need to be true to that, to ourselves, and hear, really listen, to what they are telling us. Stop asking for permission and then, go for it.
I'm already envisioning my next collage. More bits and pieces of me....
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
You Can't Go Back...But ...
Maybe you should..?
Took the family back to the old homestead. Well, sort of. It was an area near where I grew up and "played" as a teenager. The boys and I did the amusement park where I have very fond memories of playing with the school jazz band, spending time with family, and watching fireworks displayed. We stayed right on the old public dock, where my Grampa would take my sister and me to look through the viewers out into the bay. All of these were fond reminders of a happy time in my life, a stroll down memory lane. Seeing those places through the eyes of my boys made me feel young and carefree again.
I think most people would agree that you can't go back. You need to get your head out of the past and live in the present. I agree. But I also think that we need to recognize and perhaps reconcile our pasts so that we CAN move forward. Figure out how that past shaped us and how or if we want it to continue to shape us or break free of it. Maybe that's just part of this whole mid-life experience...the looking back and looking forward simultaneously.
We didn't get to the lake like I had wanted to do. That's a place filled with much emotion. It's where my parents met and my dad took us when he was dating mom. It's where I learned to water ski and go boating. It's where I spent a great deal of my summer days and evenings, in love and invincible. But in looking back now, I guess maybe some memories should remain just that, without the present interferring. Because so much has changed since then, and it could crowd out the good times.
Maybe that explains why I felt so much when we left that area: nostalgic, longing, wistfulness, a little raw even....for time to slow down,for that carefree feeling, for knowing that you CAN'T go back, even if you want, because life keeps moving forward. And that just is what it is...so we may as well embrace it as best we can, right?
Took the family back to the old homestead. Well, sort of. It was an area near where I grew up and "played" as a teenager. The boys and I did the amusement park where I have very fond memories of playing with the school jazz band, spending time with family, and watching fireworks displayed. We stayed right on the old public dock, where my Grampa would take my sister and me to look through the viewers out into the bay. All of these were fond reminders of a happy time in my life, a stroll down memory lane. Seeing those places through the eyes of my boys made me feel young and carefree again.
I think most people would agree that you can't go back. You need to get your head out of the past and live in the present. I agree. But I also think that we need to recognize and perhaps reconcile our pasts so that we CAN move forward. Figure out how that past shaped us and how or if we want it to continue to shape us or break free of it. Maybe that's just part of this whole mid-life experience...the looking back and looking forward simultaneously.
We didn't get to the lake like I had wanted to do. That's a place filled with much emotion. It's where my parents met and my dad took us when he was dating mom. It's where I learned to water ski and go boating. It's where I spent a great deal of my summer days and evenings, in love and invincible. But in looking back now, I guess maybe some memories should remain just that, without the present interferring. Because so much has changed since then, and it could crowd out the good times.
Maybe that explains why I felt so much when we left that area: nostalgic, longing, wistfulness, a little raw even....for time to slow down,for that carefree feeling, for knowing that you CAN'T go back, even if you want, because life keeps moving forward. And that just is what it is...so we may as well embrace it as best we can, right?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Endings and Beginnings
The rain today is making me restless and contemplative.
Tis the season for endings. I realized that the last 43 years of my life! have been comprised of the same ending, that being the end of a school year. With that comes the rest, reprieve, and reflection that summer brings, to the extent that one with 2 school-age kids can rest. You'd think after all these years of practice that I would be used to it, good at it even, the inevitable ending. Yet I am not.
Don't get me wrong; by this point I am ready for that respite from the routine and don't envy those whose jobs go 12 months. The end of the school year has most often been marked by a sigh of relief. It also makes way for those beginnings.
For me, it is simply the start of a rest and recharge, just to do it all again. But I got to thinking about those in my life who are ending high school (my nephew and godson) and the beginnings they are looking forward to with great anticipation. The ending is a bittersweet one for them and their parents. The beginning is a bit unknown, which adds to the excitement. It's filled with boundless possibilities for growth, adventure, and enrichment. I guess in some ways I am feeling nostalgic about that time in my life, for that sense of adventure, of possibilities. Ah, the joys of mid-life.
Then, too, I am thinking of my own son, moving from elementary to middle school. Memories of those years are vague, but filled mostly with angst, the feeling of trying to "fit in" and the beginnings of real, and often overblown, emotions. Brings a shudder, and yet...It is a beginning for him, a chance to find his other interests and place in them all. Don't envy him, but I like the excitement that comes with that beginning.
I got to thinking, too, about a good friend who recently broke up with her beau and is now dating again. While that idea is somewhat exhausting to me, (not that I'm in the market) the possibilities are, for her, filled with opportunites for fun, reflection, and adventure. Yes, there are also opportunites for heartache. But she knows the risks and is willing to take them. Kudos to her for that.
Which leads me to wondering...can you have beginnings without endings? I'm just not sure. I guess though I should embrace each year's ending as a way to lead to a new beginning. It sounds like a good place to start.
Tis the season for endings. I realized that the last 43 years of my life! have been comprised of the same ending, that being the end of a school year. With that comes the rest, reprieve, and reflection that summer brings, to the extent that one with 2 school-age kids can rest. You'd think after all these years of practice that I would be used to it, good at it even, the inevitable ending. Yet I am not.
Don't get me wrong; by this point I am ready for that respite from the routine and don't envy those whose jobs go 12 months. The end of the school year has most often been marked by a sigh of relief. It also makes way for those beginnings.
For me, it is simply the start of a rest and recharge, just to do it all again. But I got to thinking about those in my life who are ending high school (my nephew and godson) and the beginnings they are looking forward to with great anticipation. The ending is a bittersweet one for them and their parents. The beginning is a bit unknown, which adds to the excitement. It's filled with boundless possibilities for growth, adventure, and enrichment. I guess in some ways I am feeling nostalgic about that time in my life, for that sense of adventure, of possibilities. Ah, the joys of mid-life.
Then, too, I am thinking of my own son, moving from elementary to middle school. Memories of those years are vague, but filled mostly with angst, the feeling of trying to "fit in" and the beginnings of real, and often overblown, emotions. Brings a shudder, and yet...It is a beginning for him, a chance to find his other interests and place in them all. Don't envy him, but I like the excitement that comes with that beginning.
I got to thinking, too, about a good friend who recently broke up with her beau and is now dating again. While that idea is somewhat exhausting to me, (not that I'm in the market) the possibilities are, for her, filled with opportunites for fun, reflection, and adventure. Yes, there are also opportunites for heartache. But she knows the risks and is willing to take them. Kudos to her for that.
Which leads me to wondering...can you have beginnings without endings? I'm just not sure. I guess though I should embrace each year's ending as a way to lead to a new beginning. It sounds like a good place to start.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Angst, Anger, Aging, and Attitude
I realized today that I'm a little bit ticked off. Ok, maybe more than a little bit. I've always thought of myself as young, optimistic, and energetic. The truth is that I'm not any of those things anymore, at least not as much as I'd like to think. In this past week, 2 people who are dear to me have had to face health issues. One is being resolved as I write, thankfully, and the other is a chronic health condition that needs monitoring. Ok, I say, at least it's not the BIG C (sounds optimistic, right?) and it's something that's treatable. The thing is, since it's not my health issue, there's only so much I can do about it. Thus the angst. What I can do is be supportive without nagging and hope that support in turn creates more positive action. But that is SO difficult for me, the waiting, watching. I'm an action kinda gal: there's a problem, how can I fix it? Is it inevitable as we age to have to face these issues? Of course it is, and so there's the anger. Isn't life supposed to get a bit easier, less stressful as we age, look towards becoming the big 5-or6-0??
No, really, shouldn't it?
Or maybe, it's our attitude that makes it seem easier to take. Or rather than easier, perhaps just more tolerable, the perspective we see things from at this point, hopefully that of appreciation and some faith. A wise person told me recently that they are learing to live by appreciating what they have, not the material things, but relationships, seeing the glass as half full. It's not always easy, but it is possible. So I've decided to channel that anger and angst into action, at least for myself in terms of taking care of the things that I have power over and letting the rest go, as much as I can. I'm writing it down, in case I forget.
So there, I feel a little less ticked off, a little more optimistic, and well, 2 out 3 ain't bad, right?
No, really, shouldn't it?
Or maybe, it's our attitude that makes it seem easier to take. Or rather than easier, perhaps just more tolerable, the perspective we see things from at this point, hopefully that of appreciation and some faith. A wise person told me recently that they are learing to live by appreciating what they have, not the material things, but relationships, seeing the glass as half full. It's not always easy, but it is possible. So I've decided to channel that anger and angst into action, at least for myself in terms of taking care of the things that I have power over and letting the rest go, as much as I can. I'm writing it down, in case I forget.
So there, I feel a little less ticked off, a little more optimistic, and well, 2 out 3 ain't bad, right?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Day
While philosophers and poets much more learned than I have attempted to define love, I will leave that to them and instead ponder on this "day of love". Or so Hallmark, Proflowers, and Kay jewelers would have you believe. It's not that I don't like Valentine's day. I enjoy the color red and all its cousins, and paper doilies and homemade hearts are always fun to see. But the idea of one day in the year for all this outpouring is a bit contrived to me. Personally I would like to see a little outpouring on a daily basis. A kind word, a genuine smile, a spontaneous hug or kiss. Those to me are the real gestures of love. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy chocolate and red roses, but I might enjoy them even more if they were "just because". Of course, there are other ways that love is shown: a cleaned car, a cooked meal, time away by myself, and those are appreciated, too. So, on this day that's marked for love, I'm going to continue showing that daily love and appreciate the ways it's shown to me. Let's all try that and maybe each day could be a bit more love-ly. ♥
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Mom
With all the hoopla about this blizzard, the dates have become blurred. But as I stop to ponder, I realize it's been 10 years today since my mother passed. In some ways, 10 years is such a short time: a snap of the fingers, a few extra pounds. But it's also a lifetime, almost 2 in fact; my sons have no memories of Nana, except a few pictures with baby Jacob. That breaks my heart. Mom loved being a Nana to my 2 oldest nephews. She embraced that role just as she did that of mother.
My memories of her are filled with love, humor, and wisdom. When I failed a test, the first one, in college, she came and took me out for ice cream. When my first marriage failed, she held me while I cried, then helped me pack. She would give any of us the shirt (or shoes) she was wearing if we liked them, and tell us how good they looked on us. She was the ultimate Christmas elf, but had trouble keeping a secret when she found us the perfect gift. "I got one of your gifts today. Do you want to know what it is?" She loved having us all together and creating memories and traditions. In many ways, she lived life through the eyes of a child, with the wisdom of an elder.
Now that I'm a mother, I strive to be the kind of mom she was: understanding, funny, and wise. It sure isn't easy, and that's what I hope she knows: that I know how challenging that role can be. That's when I miss her most: when one of the boys does something funny, or awful, and I need her laughter or advice. Then I just have to ask myself what she might say or do, and go from there. I just wish I could still ask her in person. I miss you Mom. And I love you.
My memories of her are filled with love, humor, and wisdom. When I failed a test, the first one, in college, she came and took me out for ice cream. When my first marriage failed, she held me while I cried, then helped me pack. She would give any of us the shirt (or shoes) she was wearing if we liked them, and tell us how good they looked on us. She was the ultimate Christmas elf, but had trouble keeping a secret when she found us the perfect gift. "I got one of your gifts today. Do you want to know what it is?" She loved having us all together and creating memories and traditions. In many ways, she lived life through the eyes of a child, with the wisdom of an elder.
Now that I'm a mother, I strive to be the kind of mom she was: understanding, funny, and wise. It sure isn't easy, and that's what I hope she knows: that I know how challenging that role can be. That's when I miss her most: when one of the boys does something funny, or awful, and I need her laughter or advice. Then I just have to ask myself what she might say or do, and go from there. I just wish I could still ask her in person. I miss you Mom. And I love you.
Monday, February 1, 2010
A big Loss
It's a hard time of year for many; cold and snow, lack of sunshine, general malaise. Adding to this for me today was the news of someone's passing. He was a former beau, a friend's brother, and husband and father of 3. Though I knew of his illness, it still wasn't easy to hear of his passing. He was 49, which hits many of us closely who are around that same age. He was a good man, and my memories of him involve lots of laughing, joking, and fun.
In the days to follow, as others learn this sad news, there will be grief, anger, and many tears shed. But for now, it's time to pause and reflect on a life, short but well-lived, and the passing of a sweet soul. Rest in peace, Neil. You will be missed.
In the days to follow, as others learn this sad news, there will be grief, anger, and many tears shed. But for now, it's time to pause and reflect on a life, short but well-lived, and the passing of a sweet soul. Rest in peace, Neil. You will be missed.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
What is is about cold winter days that bring out the couch potato in me? and how much time is too much time to spend on the Wii or online or watching tv? it's hard to fuss at the kids about it when I feel the same way.
January has come to an end and it's hard to believe that we are 1 month into the new year. I gave up making resolutions because I never seem to keep them. I would like to write more, yell less, exercise more patience, and eat better. But I believe that's a daily choice, so maybe I need to be making daily resolutions instead of yearly. One day at a time, right??
January has come to an end and it's hard to believe that we are 1 month into the new year. I gave up making resolutions because I never seem to keep them. I would like to write more, yell less, exercise more patience, and eat better. But I believe that's a daily choice, so maybe I need to be making daily resolutions instead of yearly. One day at a time, right??
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